Author: goranstille

I have multiple windows to the outside world. One of them is through the Internet. That window gives ample of room for communication having highly varying nature. There are channels for slow and fumbling dialogues filled with insight and mutual humility. I feel good when I experience this kind of communication.

There are also channels for the exact opposite; driven disrespectful communication at a high pace and with limited space for reflection. Often I get sucked into this way of communicating. I allow myself being seduced. I end up with something that gives me pain. What do I do to avoid becoming addicted and irrevocably hurting myself? Do I pull out the “internet cord” and become a monk? Would that solve the problem? To me it would be too drastic. If I did, I would never be able to build myself any clever skill in facing today’s media. Yesterday’s media I think I handle better.

I wrote for an audience, to increase my consciousness and to improve my ability to concentrate. I went on doing so for 60 years. I learned to handle grains of mental dust by encapsulating them in words. I switched from handwriting to typing on a computer keyboard. I pushed myself to deliver more than 500 words a day. I did so for 1600 days. I was proud. After all, I have delivered near to 1,2 million words lately.

Then, I encountered a ”wall of bricks”! Some bricks, I could not remove. That was a year ago. I eagerly hope I am recovering. To be specific, those major bricks were:

1. Do I write for an audience?
2. Did my consciousness increase?
3. Conscious of what?
4. What roles do my consciousness play?
5. For what did I improve my ability to concentrate?
6. For what did I blind myself?
7. Do my words say something?
8. What to they tell to whom?
9. Did shifting to typing affect my writing style positively?

To me, these nine questions are hard ones. I have no answers to them. And I mistrust my capacity to deliver solutions. Specifically, I distrust those quick and ego-centred solutions I tend to provide. I better direct the questions to the core of my soul and remain patient. That is, waiting long enough for answers. I have to put “my analytical intellect” on hold. It does not work properly when applied to the questions given above

This year my writing reached a momentary halt. In August 23rd 2014, I started writing at a rate of 500 a day. I have followed this ambition for quite some time. My hope was that pouring out words each day would be a clever way to author a book or two. I did hit a wall of bricks. This happened after 1400 days and 1.500.000 words. I created a habit of writing and an urge to do it every day. But I am in severe doubt when it comes to the content and style of my writing. This doubt has been growing ever since.

I did hit the wall a year ago, early 2019. We soon enter 2020. I have attended several writing courses. They all describe what a book should look like when ready for publishing and marketing. That is too far away for me. I am at the other end. How do I get from scene A to scene B and onwards? How do I handle my attitude versus old habits as to what I write about? How do I handle my habit of analyzing whatever problem I or my character encounter? Wouldn’t it be far better to face that problem and work me through it?

The other day I spoke to a fellow at the gym. His profession was as a journalist. He stared me in the eyes and told me to read. He spoke to me in such a way that his statement affected me. Several times, my fiancé has told me the same. I needed this foreigner to get this statement into my head and hand.

2019-12-29

Prosperous writing in 2020 to all of you

They form a secret code.
Sometimes I own the key,
frequently I don’t,
then the code is secret to me.
Thus I might deceive myself
being able to catch what is behind,
what exists just prior to forming them on paper,
words.

Göran

Many papers published about learning to write seems to have one line of thoughts in common. They address individuals feeling inadequate and wanting to improve their performance in one way or another. They often give a recipe: ”do this follow by that and then you will reach your goal”.
I find these papers disrespectful. There are no free lunches. Do you live by a method or technique and want to be someone special then you are barking along an alley of no success. You have to live in the unique life being your life. If you intend to write a novel you have to make it your way. Authenticity always shows itself and does pay off.

No one is immune to this problem. Not even bright individuals. They use their special advantages in avoiding obstacles on the social arena. They develop a technique of living instead of living in their life. For a long time I have followed that route.

The other day, I followed my grandson to a minor cup in playing football. At the wall in the cafeteria I saw a sign posted by the local team of trainers. This sign gave a few elementary rules they wanted trainers to follow. They did also address anyone watching the games; parents and spectators. I read the following:

• Never control the ball carrier. The player must be given the opportunity to find creative solutions for all situations. If you control the ball holder you give one option and remove many. – Better with 11 smart players than one smart coach.

These simple sentences hit me. I would prefer any fellow human being interesting in helping others to live and play to adopt the attitude behind the above mentioned sentences.

For some time, I have engaged myself in writing. Time to reevaluate.

I find myself surrounded by statements about ”what to think of” and ”how to do it”. I fear I am about to lose my voice while reading this multitude of advice. I search for a voice telling me what to do. That is, what to listen to, what to take in and what to let pass.

Finally, this multitude of words and sentences about writing is piling up on me. I feel inadequate in guarding my soul. At this moment in time, I buy words, collect words, utter words and write them down. Sometimes I even read them. It is too much for me. I need to see beneath my outer shells of ambition and straight thinking! I need to focus on my ability to reconnect to my soul and make it speak!

Connect to my soul? Does this mean to connect to some primitive level in me? A level not yet able to use words. Make him express himself using an authentic voice. To what voice should I listen? This primitive one not knowing the concept of words? Or the one shuffling a lot of words the way I do?

I

What is happening with me? Right now I have contact with every muscle and bone in my body. In detail and all of them at the same time. A second ago the air around me was lukewarm and stuffy. Now it is clean and cool. It goes all the way into my toes and fingertips. Someone opened the throttle. Removed the body-sized condom that usually exist between me and the world.

This is beyond understanding. I rest without thoughts in what is. What happened just before was I retained the scary noise I sometimes give away. It has happened a few times in situations like the recent one. This time I took some deep breaths and…

The womb of creativity is moist.
The endorphins of the occasion
seduced my mind.
I am at the brink of proceeding too far
hurting myself without understanding,
it did just happen.

Storm and rainy weather
are about to clear out.
Clouds are torned apart
and fly low across the meadows.
They throw shadows on the grass,
straws in hundreds yield to the the wind.

A cuckoo flew by
eagerly calling his mate.
At the shoreline a few sporty people.
At sea a single ferry heading for Norway
Crossing white crests of waves

The landscape asks the humans
On what grounds do you allow yourselves to plough,
cut trenches and build motorways.
No to mention megacities.
Do they carry civilisations or not?
Who am I to answer?

We throw the digital whip at ourselves,
every day, hour, minute and second.
At the far end we act as silenced servants,
forced to adapt and obey.
No channel available
to find our voice,
nor space to live,
silent enough to allow a presence.