New Challenge: STEP 9 – My major fears

(755 words)
Today I have assigned myself to write about my most significant and most pertinent fears. I mean the ones that strike the most, in intensity as well as frequency. And then write a paragraph or two for each, asking myself what would happen if that fear came true. I managed to find some of my fears but was not able to say anything about what would happen if that fear came true

Which of my fears is Number 1? I suspect that my top fear is a devious one. I do not have any direct sense of it. But, in my way of living, I identify elements that are possible consequences of intense fear. Behind my way to act, there might be a fear of rejection and to be abandoned. In a strict sense I can do nothing but speculating about it, which in turn is a risky business. I cannot give myself a solid proof of it. The whole thing may be nothing but a ghost of the mind. That is fear Number 2

How do I react to what I say above? All through my living, I have been a somewhat conscientious character. I am reading people near to me. I read sub-tones in their voices, facial expressions, attitudes and bodily posture. I do my best to adjust and avoid conflicts. On occasions, I jump out of this and take steps I call brave. They are rare, and I cannot interpret them as signs of me having a bold and outgoing personality.

Since an early age, I have reflected on myself and my behaviours. I have interlocked the use of words, concepts and thinking with these concerns. This act helped me to stay on track and do what I think I was supposed to do. I have used this action extensively. This practice has formed my way of using words. In puberty, this practice moved over to writing in a black notebook. This book served as a type of wastebasket. I did not apply any retrieval operations to what I wrote. Later on, a lot of early warning signals must have gone the same way. At this moment I have done this for more than half a century.
During the last three years, I have engaged myself in writing of at least 500 words a day. I have done ”free writing”. That is to leave editing and correction of my text to a later moment. My experience from writing in my notebook became an easy way to fill this request for 500 words a day. Presently the quality of my writing has become irritating to me. I continue writing in a self-reflective style. I feel trapped in my words and thoughts. In other words, my ”free writing” is not free at all when I look at about what I am writing. It is as if I have built me a lovely looking castle using mental bricks. I fear this castle is turning back on me. I feel jailed by it.

But what is happening at this point in this text? My words flow nicely, as do sentences and my story. Do they assist my writing in closing in on my fear? Or do they distract the reader and me from the core of the story? Do they make it disappear into a nearby forest? Is this my uttermost fear? To use words in a way that assures me walking astray and thus causing a rejection? (Fear Number 3).
I do not feel physically rejected. When growing up, I received adequate care on physical and practical levels. Later on, I have been able to support myself in the same sense. It is merely my soul, spirit and ability to play that longs for support. Maybe that is not a bad thing after all. If only I could accept this state of affairs, all the way
Fear Number 4 might exist slumbering behind my defence lines. I call it fear of playing. I avoid coming in contact with this fear by acting far too severe for my good. But, one game I have played. That is the role of playing the victim. I have used minor glitches of malfunction in a decent upbringing as motivations. This game is no fun anymore. I am bored to a standstill. I better switch over and do something crazy and utterly useless.

Fear Number 5 is that I fear not being able to know what I need to know to take care of myself.