(441 words)
Do I struggle with fear in general or with fear for writing in particular? Do I sense fear or do I just speculate if there is an emotion of fear behind what I do and not do? Or am I too ingenious in avoiding the issue, that I do not feel it? I may consume a lot of my energy in this strategy of avoidance. I must fear something as I plough up this pile of questions before me.
I fear that my questions will not reveal anything. As long as I proceed analytically, I will not explain a thing. I cannot answer these questions. Instead, I believe my obstacles to writing reside in my unconscious. Scratching the surface will do nothing but making them harder and more elusive.
Yesterday, I was processing my text about what has happened in my writing during last week. I noticed one new perspective. I saw my active interest in nuances of my expressions, words and statements. I suspect that this attention to details might make me blind to far more critical issues. Like: “what story do I tell” and “how do I build that story or argument”?
Did I find any other fear worth mentioning when I was brainstorming about it? Maybe I saw a fear that I have taken comprehensive measures to hide. This issue about attending too much to details seems to reflect back on me profoundly.
When brainstorming about fears, I found fourteen samples of possible fears. Do I fear to select one primary fear? My associations jump to the question: ”Do I act this way in fear that there will be ”no second chance.” I have to be right the first time. Thus I end up making an inventory of alternatives. At the same time, I make it impossible for me to make any analysis and decision. I fear I will not receive a second chance. I suspect this is a thing with some odd ends in my personality. It does influence whatever I do. Not just writing. It might be a thing of rejection, once and for all, whatever I do. In fact, this fear increases when I feel I have done something that is ”good”. Then I tend to be extremely sensitive to early warning signs of rejection to come. The sad thing is that I tend to interpret that these signs exist where they do not exist.
This last reasoning is meandering. Maybe you got lost on the way. None the less I think I have stepped on something essential here. Perhaps it will become more evident in the days to come.
Göran Stille 
Dear Goran
You have answered yourself: You say:
> ‘As long as I proceed analytically, I will not explain a thing.’
and
> ‘I suspect that this attention to details might make me blind to far more critical issues. Like: “what story do I tell” and “how do I build that story or argument”?’
I have been here many times before, so as always when I read your writing, I can relate. What I find fascinating is that when you examined my writing, you were quick and sure in your assessment and it was incredibly helpful to me. I think the reason we are both ‘spinning our wheels’ is that we mostly lack feedback outside ourselves. We are “dancing with ourselves,” so to speak. Which can sometimes be a good thing, but sometimes not.
I think you are doing the braver act, of publishing as you write, and actively seeking feedback. For me, I write, but then I don’t share it yet. Or actually, I post it to one of the many blogs I have that I have not publicized.
However, I am learning to trust myself in this process. And it looks like you are as well, in yours. For each of us, it’s just our own way of navigating the (hopefully) upward spiral.
I love reading your writing, because it is sensitive, thoughtful, open and makes me feel less alone. I am sure many others feel the same.
Your friend in writing (to borrow your wonderful phrase),
Nadine
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