New Challenge: Step 4 – What am I passionate about?

(799 words)

What am I passionate about? – I have been passionate about avoiding people who tell me what to do. Second, I like participating in dialogues. Third, I love experiencing that there is someone present behind words I listen to.

That was looking back on my history. But, what am I passionate about today and tomorrow? So in the subtext of the above question: ” What am I passionate about” is a value statement. I disagree with that statement. I doubt that history is useful in defining the personality of any human. I suspect that the best each of us can do is to follow that track forward. I do not subscribe to the attitude above, it is too conservative. In other words, I express me being passionate about change. But who knows, tomorrow I may change my position and go for no change, stability, or even rigidity.

Passionate about writing
I look back at what I write and how. I find I behave as if I were passionate about reflecting on myself and my conduct. I do it all the time. Day in and day out. Am I excited about myself and my performance? It is nothing of the sort. Am I passionate about reaching the consequence of self-reflection? I regard my question as complicated. What are the implications of writing in this style in a short-term or a long-term perspective? What are the effects on my emotions and my way of thinking? At this moment, I am writing myself into feeling mixed up. I do continue to write in a self-reflective style but what have I achieved and what do I believe I will gain?

When writing self-reflectively, I use words to unload a question, an issue or uncertainty from bothering me. This action makes it possible for me to head back to what I was doing. That was managing my education, my marriage, my profession and my practical problems. It has been an advantage to me to do what I thought I should do. I swept disturbing signals under the carpet before I examined them. I cleaned them out, and they disappeared into oblivion. A severe consequence was that I did not notice them early enough.

I believe that me writing in self-reflective style has negative consequences for me. At last in the long run. By writing this way, I unload the issues irritating me into an empty room. A space that is my own. This space becomes choked and too isolated.

Another perspective is that I am passionate about being sure that I know what I write. So far I have been carrying the concept that the object I know best is myself. I have brought this wrapped in a significant cover of furiosity. But at this specific moment, I hesitate. I recall the possibility that what I think about myself may be in severe error.

For example, I do not know these elements of me that may generate a positive sense of passion! All my life I have taught myself of the ways my personality may carry faults, deficits and guilts. I am an expert on this and on being the victim of all these flaws. But when I now put these words on paper something changes. I realise that this is utterly crazy of me to be passionate about finding faults in myself.

What am I passionately in opposition of?
What am I passionately in oppositions of? The first thing that pops up is anger. I get angry when I am exposed to individuals continuing to use power language on me. That goes for both females or males.

I am disappointed in not having developed any level of street smartness. I engaged in doing scientific research in an academic environment. But at the end, there was no human present to receive my result. Now I know better. There needs to be a human out there that want me to do what I do. I am fed up working towards a system that never shows up and never shows gratefulness.

I have been passionate about those of my feelings that I call anxiety. My attitude changes when writing this. I suspect I should stop calling them anxiety and stop trying to avoid those feelings. After all, I may as well interpret them differently. They may show that I have primary contact with freedom. I have a connection with the emotions involved in being alive and making my decisions!

Finally, there is sorrow and not being notably passionate. There is sorrow over not having found my call yet. Not having seen that thing in what to engage 100%. I suspect I am in charge of a decent chunk of power and capacities but where are my joy and satisfaction. Or am I in complete error on this point?