Back in 1956 I started writing in a notebook

Back in 1956 I started writing in a notebook. I still have this book in front of me.

It is 60 years since I started writing in this book. I have filled many similar books. During the years I have used them to calm my soul. I do it when any major problem turn up and jeopardize my balance. Many times writing have helped me to stay on track. Doing this, I learned a way to lift myself away from threatening events. I used this tool independent of what substance was in focus. I learned to blind myself. Some events were small, others important. I blinded them all using writing. So, in one way my growth came to a halt, although I did not notice. My mind was far out trying to mend my personality, but he never succeed.

Slowly my living came to rest in the tracks of everyday routines. My sense of being alive froze.

These images make me associate to a moment some years ago. A friend of mine told me a story. I was deeply moved. But I have no clue as to why. This is his story:

• He found himself awakening. His nose was buried in the mud. It is pitch dark. He cannot see anything. He felt his chin against the cold, wet mud. He slowly raises his head, and can see beyond the nearby ridge of soil. At first, he does not see anything whatsoever. After several minutes, he identifies groves of ground disappearing into the darkness. He concludes that he was laying on his stomach far out on a large field newly plowed. At a distance, he sees the edge of a forest. At least he thinks so. Black silhouettes of pine trees are barely distinguishable from the dark blue night sky. His head is fully perplexed. He does not retrieve any thought or memory on how he came here and why. Furthermore, he does not have any idea as to where he was going? His only memory is that this scene and field is similar to a real image from a field near to a small town about 150 kilometers from Stockholm, Sweden.

This dream intrigued me and still do. I cannot get it out of my head. I wonder how he interpreted his dream and how I do it? He told me this story about 20 years ago. I remember it as if he told it to me yesterday.

My thought about the dream is that it has something to do with leaving a lifestyle where he continues in deeply engraved tracks. He did not carry anything with him in terms of memories and direction across from early life to after the transition. It is pitch dark around him and he cannot orient himself at all. He is starting from zero, completely naked.