Month: February 2021

Not being good enough

have been haunting me for decades.

Visiting every basement room and attic.

Demolishing every word, thought and way of thinking.

Wit and common sense were ground into sediments

Forming sea beds where new algae found nourishment.

The darkest months of the year could end any day now. But they have not. Endless rows of gloomy grey days have increased the burden. A few days of snow could have made it slightly better. But the sky remained cloudy and grey. On top of this a load of one pandemic, enduring and ongoing. My urge to live and love is not that stable any more. Will there ever be a joyful life a few months from now?

This morning a clear sky showed up ten centigrade below freezing point. Later on, the temperature increased to minus three. A sunny day. The whole town went out for a walk. We consumed any pavement available or ice for that matter. Finally, we found a place to sit down in leeward. A cup of coffee from a private thermos and a cinnamon bun or two. We may recover joyful life after months of absence. Would we?

Whining at double intensity

No turning back

Thoughts cannot be stopped

In carbonated drinks

bubbles move far more orderly.

All my energy was consumed

In being kind

erasing objections,

demands and will.

Play and foolishness,

thoroughly erased.

My fantasy broke into pieces.

I used to deliver remedies,

remembered and solved

even tricky computer problems.

Now referred to as “elderly elderly”

Thoughts fail and fade into a fog

Grey and unimportant

Avoid machines,

And in need of humans.

You waited many years

Gave yourself the question:

When will he ever step outside?

Leave the jails of anxiety

Make another try

Does the ice carry his weight?

Forget yesterday, trust what is.

A nearby water shed

The ice is thin and black

A few centimeters thick.

No broken channel through the ice

Do you have the guts?

Does the ice carry you?

Now you leave the shore and no way back.

It fails and sway.

Soon solid ground near the other shoreline.

Dive your teethes into an apple

Sense lightly sweated juices sprinkle

at lips and palate

That´s all.