Month: November 2018

I
Monday morning
My morning sleep is broken
The fog is still there
Outside they start to dig into the street
Renovating the wastewater piping
Their machinery makes noise at seven thirty

II
Today we shift the location of living
Summerhouse to city living
Drove our car fully loaded from west to east.
Leaving morning dew and a sea like a mirror
preferring the big city.

I started to think and lost control immediately
What is civilisation?
Where is the best place to live?
Where we are going
or where we were yesterday?

III
Whenever it is crowded and messy to be a human
I fly away using words and thoughts,
always at some distance above the ground.
My consciousness abandons me
extracts me from participating
in what is.

IV
She told me to set my goals
on a fair level
not where I thought I ought.
This advice, I have heard before
But kept it at a distant
Did not understand this advice
in my core.

She gave arguments
to support her advice
But I stopped her.
I heard what she said the first time
and was fully occupied
by taking it emotionally.
I do not need to be that ambitious
to feel good enough.

Friday 23 November, Day 1555

Accountability – Number of words
This last week I wrote, on the average, 1028 words each day. Summing up to 7195 this last week.

Accountability – Substance:
Finally, I know how to make a transit from not knowing my goal in writing over to knowing that goal. Not knowing have plagued me for a considerable time. – My hammer did finally hit a nail.

I use words.

Their numbers concern me,

and what they communicate.

But, what does settle

with those who listen.

 

In desperation, I try to interpret,

analyse, and understand more than I need

I dress what I see in words, concepts and consequences,

I fear death

and to get trapped in existential permafrost.

 

Yesterday

A single glimpse of light struck my eye,

raw and primitive.

My intellectual varnish cracked.

I saw this thing as it is.

 

Göran Stille

In recent days something has happened to me and my writing. At least I think so. Well, to say it happened is to take on too much. Such an expression contains a thread of hope in itself. Just as if a long-awaited permanent change did actually occur. I better express it as: ”for a second something shimmered in my segment of attention.”
My next question is: what did shimmer? I feel as if this shimmering grain carries value. But it evades my ability to pin it down with words. But still, I am determined to make an attempt. I won’t satisfy any of your interests in me delivering this attempt pronto. Such an act with words would damage the core substance. But from now on, I will allow myself to be proud of my two sets of eyes. One pair seeing the raw and primitive light from things. The other seeing me seeing things. That is my version of meta-vision.
It took me 1541 days of writing on the average 730 words a day to get here. My doubt about me as a writer has grown continuously . This last 5 days I manage 993 as day average. Now, I think I did pass that membrane protecting me from extensive contact with reality.

Göran Stille