Changes in my style of writing

I am a member of an international writing group. I have reached a quota of above 500 written words a day for more than 1400 days. I think this has been possible by following a straightforward strategy. I have been relying on the heaviest tacit knowledge I have in the area of writing. That is writing in a black notebook about personal problems I thought I had. This has been going on since 1956. My writing resulted in putting the issues on hold. But some part of my personality was childishly judging this result. He made me believe the problems were solved as they did cease interfering with my urge to act like a good guy. My primary call has been to fit into the social environment in which I live. Thus, my life strategy is closely related to the style of writing I used in this black notebook. For some time, I have been aware of this being a part of my tacit knowledge.

The challenge of this group was to get at least 500 words a day out of me and on paper. I had to use some form of experience to meet this challenge. I came to rely on the above experience or as some express it as my tacit knowledge. Thus oddly, my writing in the 500 group does ”show” the issue of not solving my problems through writing.

This spring I approached a million written words. I produce my lot of words each day. Well, not precisely each day. I allowed myself some quiet days or weeks. I kept my average well above 500 a day. But, there was something that irritated me. My writing was going in all directions. It often contaminated my writing with me addressing problems I encountered with myself when writing. I think they do disturb any storyline I may hit on.

Another angle of importance is me being in another lifelong track. Under a surface of being a well-tuned social guy, I tend to keep on my own. There is no one but myself to rely on solving my issues. I became aware of staying on this track. Beneath I have an intense longing for sharing my problems with someone important to me. I live with one such individual, my wife. But, I am too engraved in the deep track of not daring to open up my core. Not even to her.

The other day we took our small boat out on the ocean. Well, not all the way into the open sea. We picked one of the outer islands of the local archipelago as our goal. After anchoring the boat, we took a swim in the salty water. Afterwards, we dried naked sitting on a rock. We were surrounded by shells of crabs. Seagulls have had a party at that rock. A thick layer of ice covered this part of the country some 10.000 years ago. When this layer moved, it made the surface of this rock smooth.

While drying, we came to talk. For once, I felt confident to speak with my wife about the problems I believe I encounter with my writing. She just listened, and that was it. Well …, there was this one thing she said:

– You know that it is not within your slot in time to solve these personal problems. Neither do you have the mental capacity to address them. You have tried, so you know that. You have no other way bu to accept them as elements of you. The only thing you have is your will power. When you apply that, you may to some extent reduce the negative influences of your setbacks.

For once, I believed her.