New Challenge: Step 11 – Name the truth behind my major fear.

I believe there is a fear behind the way I act. It does affect my style of writing a well as my behaviour in a more general sense. I am not conscious of this fear although In my actions I detect patterns that may have fear as a root. I assume that the fear in question is ”not getting a second chance”.

Is it true that this type of fear resides in me? It is a tough question. To answer, I need to begin thinking and to make use of a lot of words. I risk to lose contact with this fear and bury it again. But, at the other extreme, by using words I may actively speculate in this pain and risk making it exist and be permanent. From this, I conclude that my words and intellect may not be reliable tools anymore. I have invested a lot in using them and relying on them and on what I have reached. In this, I see a reason why I tend to get stuck in a self-reflective writing style most of the time.

What grounds do I have to assume I carry this fear? The answer is, I tend to avoid conflicts and avoid reaching goals and be measured. Once I enter a project, I will stay forever. I tend to act as an ambitious and dependable character with curiosity.

But, the task was to name the truth behind my fear. I almost created me a decoy manoeuvre when answering that question. How do I put words on something I have worked hard to hold myself not conscious of?

I cannot go on with my old style of writing. Today’s assignment was, to tell the truth about my fear, and I would make my best attempts in doing so. I have to start to step into my fear. I could easily avoid it by describing it or compare it. That would be to avoid the truth.

There is one moment in my life when I sense a severe pain. That is when my kids or grandkids approach a steep scarp with no or limited protection. I sense a sharp physical pain in my body. I fancy that someone is cutting in me with a sharp knife. And this someone selects a most vital organ, my pouch. The feeling is unbearable. I cannot stay in contact with it for any length of time. Within milliseconds I abandon it. I do that by thinking about it and focusing on something else. Thoughts about myself become handy. They are easy to mobilise and help me focus on something different. I have no idea if this pain and the one I always try to escape from is the same.

I think of this event when I was eleven months old. The facts tell me that my aunt died in an accident when she was out biking. I assume that my mother suddenly changed her behaviour and attitude versus me. I presume, I felt rejected and I did never get a chance to come close to her again. Presumedly, I believed it was my fault and acted accordingly. I assume that at this event I ignited my style of living. I presume, this event created a pain in me that was unbearable. I did not have any alternative but to handle myself. I built myself a multitude of distraction manoeuvres. I could quickly begin to list them and risk burying me in that list and all associations that may come. But still, these statements are nothing but descriptive. At the moment, I cannot step into the feelings any better than when forming the above comments.

When I wrote this text.I met a part of me I had not met before That is, I became conscious about the risk of using my words and intellect for decoy manoeuvres. Thus I cannot trust these tools in delivering what I want. I want them to contribute to me being a sincere, honest, authentic, and always close to the true character.

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Göran Stille