I have trained a habit of writing every day. I face questions about this.They come from inside me as well as from people around me. They sound like:
◦ Am I a writer?
◦ May I call me a writer?
◦ Who may call him or her a writer?
◦ When do I go from being a writer to being an author?
These questions puzzle me. There seem to be guilt games moving around in the bushes. They sound like:
◦ I know this, you need to have done this or that before it is legitimate for you to call yourself a writer or an author!
I think the use of the ”title” of being a writer or author has nothing to do with what it is all about. You may allow yourself to play the role of a writer or author. It may help you to grow an attitude adequate for writing. Thus writing this title on your business card is legitimate.
What is it all about?
To release my creativity when writing, I must work with my way to handle personal obstacles. It is a terrible challenge to anyone. Individuals of the human species have one dominant characteristic. They tend to continue doing what the have done. Unfortunately, this happens even if external circumstances have changed significantly. If I did not write earlier in life, I need to face the issue of learning it. What does this mean, being a grownup and in retirement? I have to change my concepts of learning, unlearning habits, attitudes, values. It does also include challenges to my way of thinking and reacting. It challenges my idea of identity. Am I the man to do this? Or have I used my experiences to create me a jail built with questions that have no answer.
But, for me, the core of writing has been to build myself a need for doing it and with doing it with authenticity. After a few months of practical experience, I concluded that my first step was to train myself to respect a space inside me that was not occupied. The intruders were my habits, values, and my way of thinking. At times I felt as if my identity was challenged. About 33 years ago, the conscious part of my mind registered this concept for the first time. Being conscious has in my case not been enough to change my behaviour. How come?
I believe that when I approach an empty space, I suffer from intense and troublesome feelings. During my years of living, I have established a reliable defense system protecting me from sensing these feelings. I must say this defense is working well. I do not detect any horror when approaching an empty space. But, when I look in the back mirror on my behavior, I conclude that something is there. I act as if there is a horror controlling me. I find this emotion must live in my unconscious.
The hard thing has been that my whole mind and body objected to the task of writing at least 500 words a day. But I decided to give it a try. After all, they told me I did only need to deliver 30 days of pure hard discipline to do it. So I did gave it a try. Out of this practical experience lust and desire to write emerged. My lust concerned the joy of putting one word after another and to observe, with curiosity, where they went. I watched the words flow and saw me saying things I would not dream of saying. In some cases statements that were essential to my life. Many times, I asked my self:
◦ Did I think or say this myself or where did I get these fresh ideas and thoughts?
Since I started, I have written near to a million words. The quality of my writing improves. I think my authenticity, focus, and coherence improves. I have received feedback telling me this. I feel proud. Later my words flow even regarding what I want to say. I interpret this as if I am beginning to say what I can say and need to say. I hope my use of words have abandoned my old style of writing. I think my use has become more earthbound. My words concerns this moment, my immediate surroundings, and me. In other words less of immolating words on a virtual altar of ambitions and achievements.
So I return to the title: ”Me, a writer?” I chose not to answer this question. One million words ago I was no writer. My way to write improves and will continue to do so in mysterious ways. After all, with no previous practical experience in writing, I would not be able to know my way forward.
In conclusion:
◦ Am I a writer now?
◦ Maybe. Maybe not. Do I care? I enjoy writing.
Göran Stille
Göran Stille 