New Challenge: Step 6 – Take a walk

(483 words)

As told by my present master in writing, I did take a walk instead of my morning writing. A few odd ideas arrived while doing it.

One concerned beliefs, ideas, plans, goals, agreements, and rules. I considered them all having the same quality. I use them to rescue myself from encountering contact with that big space inside that is housing endless of possibilities. It sounds almost religious, but in my case, it is not. I connect it to what they talk about in Buddism. And what you sometimes meet in Japan: the concept of ”MA” = emptiness in space and time.

One of these days this MA will be a reality in my life. Not just hovering around in the neurons of my brain. I ought to train myself to step outside, sit down on a stone near the moors and stare myself empty. Establish a space inside me that is not occupied by anything. It is hard work these days. Ideas and associative jumps do happen to me all the time. Getting older does not make it easier. Neither does living in a modern digital environment.

During my walk, I recalled that I may interpret my behaviour as always trying to remain ”on top”. If not directly, so at least mentally. I do not get on top, but I might interpret my tendencies this way. For one thing, I get furious when someone tries to ”be on top of me”. Either by interrupting me or treating me in a top-down manner. From whom did I learn this? Who did always behave as nothing was a fault made by that person?

A third revelation during the walk was that I realized that all my life I have been trying to escape. I collect notes about major and minor faults in my character. I have apologized for their existence through expressing myself conscious of them. I will be ready to demand my share of life when I have taken care of them all. I base today’s statement on the fact that these flaws will remain. Being conscious of them did not do the job. I have plenty of arguments and motivations that they should not stay operative. But they still are. I better face the fact that they will not ever disappear. Be sure of that. I better stop operating in the state of “life comes later when I am ready”. I better start now before life is over. After all my age is 75.

What reality did I observe around me? Not much. Grey even overcast. No sun. Not much wind. Streets dressed in a thin layer of snow from yesterday, about 2-3 inches. Slushy in places where traffic and salt mix. I assure that the stretch of my walk gave me 7000 steps covering 5 km. Hoards of ordinary people hurrying to or from their office. Everything was operating at a non-glamorous level of every day. Same as yesterday. Same tomorrow.