(947 words)
Obstacles to finding my voice
Part of being creative is to be courageous. So I have been told. What does that mean to me? In what segment do I need to be courageous? What does limit my ability to think and act in this segment? A first obstacle was that I did not have shielded space inside me to be creative in. Through writing repeatedly, I established that space. In this space I allow myself to do things I know nothing about. An act of courage is to avoid filling it with those actions that I already know of. Sometimes my courage disappears into the woods.
The second obstacle is what do I use this shielded space for? Historically, I have used it for making notes of various thoughts and ideas. Mainly in an attempt to regain access to elements that once created joy and a feeling of being rich. Unfortunately I have used the same scene to escape from irritating events and emotions. I did quickly hide those aspects that disturbe my normal function in education, marriage and my profession. I am sad to admit that this way I blinded myself from seeing some early warning signals in my life.
A third obstacle is to actually hear and take in what other humans say, write or act. I tend to quickly shut them out and continue in my own bubble of concepts, thoughts, style, and values. In this aspect being courageous means to stay open, read and hear what others say, cut it loose it from that individual and apply it to me. In other words, take on the role of the other. Or, expressed in a slightly general way, to play along in the position of being a decent author. I have to put the task of attending to myself at a low priority. After all, some humans state that no such self exist. They say you won’t find any self irrespective of how long and precise you search. Confidence in yourself is a real and desirable quality. Going the way over finding yourself is no good. When reaching a self-confidence, you may allow yourself to take on roles. Which in turn is a prerequisite to being a true author!
My fourth obstacle has to do with following my passion and my dreams. Do I feel a passion for being an author? At my present state, this is an impossible question. After all, I cannot feel passionate about something I have no experience of. Neither do I dream of being an author. My dream is to be considered as a man of substance. I conclude I once did feel passion when I started free writing. But, that passion turned out to be a blind one. I learned English but buried my personality deeper into the old groves of self-reflection.
Summing up
To sum up, I switch over to the subject of finding my voice. The answer is that my writing has not helped me to find that voice. Not yet. But, it has narrowed down the area for my search. I feel confident in taking on the role of being an author. At least one of a decent statue. To me being an author means to deeply engage in the mindsets of those characters that will show up in a future story. This means I need to swiftly shift from one mindset to another. From one role to another. In consequence, this means to abandon my intense cramp on to that one role, the role of being myself. That is to quit my style of writing in a self-reflective fashion.
Action
To find my voice, I better letting out whatever voice I have. Irrespective of what I think it is coming from and what odd shapes it may take. If I do not do this, I will have no practice and thus a significant void in my basic knowledge of what it is all about. Therefore any judgments about myself will most likely be in error. Maybe such judgments will always be a disaster?
In my case, I will take on the role of being a decent author. I will do it prior to having proved that I am such a character. I should allow my author to do his thing. That is the things he has an inner urge to do. It does not matter if he understands what he is doing and why. It does not matter what mode of self-control he operates. Nor does his judgments about the quality of what comes out of him. After all, his version of restraints rests on previous inputs. That is they come from other and earlier areas of life. Many humans have experienced that their voices have been held down and efficiently silenced. In our childish attempt to comply we developed self-control. It stays with us as a sort of necessary software in our minds. This software continues to run, days in and days out, deepening that old model of self-control. We act as if this software is necessary for survival. It becomes almost like a part of our identity. It once was the only sensible thing to do in what we interpreted as a hostile environment. Later on, when growing up, this is seldom the case. So we have to re-erect us from self-suppression. Preferably, we should avoid doing it the hard way. Then we might risk becoming egocentric maniacs. We better do it with our version of an intelligent and balanced approach.
One critical thing is to be somewhat particular on what that inner urge is signaling. Some of those signals call for a high level of trust. In those cases following established habits is the thing to do. In other cases, these messages call for doing something more courageous. Then I believe I am approaching the exciting part of my inner urge.
Göran Stille 