New Challenge: Step 1 – How do I begin?

(476 words)
(Free write about your creative struggle.)

Earlier today I found something odd about my previous writing. Or I better say my style of writing. My flow of words has been adequate to fill the demands of 500 words a day for near to 1250 days. But, my choice of subject to write about has not been free at all. Neither have the type of thoughts I present. I do hang on to these reflections and thoughts about myself that keep showing up in my head. They fill my head as a wasp of fireflies. They glimmer for a few seconds, land on the surface of my text and disappear. I have followed the motto ”just do it”. I invested a significant chunk of hope in that slogan. A desire that I will get out of my dependence on this style I writing. It has not happened, not yet. And near to a million words have been flowing under my verbal bridges.

This morning one of these fireflies presented herself on the screen of my computer. One of the fireflies started to lecture me by saying:

⁃ For you, the act of using a language and words are to a great extent intermixed with being able to live. At least to your feeling of being alive. This intermix originated when you were young and, for the first time, learned to speak. You involved yourself and your soul in pleasing your mother. You believed she was about to abandon you once more. So she did earlier, and at that time a deep wound was created inside you. At the same time, you began to pronounce words and form sentences. You learned to observe what you were doing. You told your mother what you saw. You watched for signs of dislike in your mothers face. And you adjusted your behaviours accordingly. Your ability to use words to find out and express what your needs were, became hampered.

⁃ You carried your art of reflecting on yourself into puberty. Then you picked up the habit of writing the same reflections and thoughts in a black notebook. You brought this addiction with you all through the years until the present age. At 75 years of age, you still perform a lot of self-reflection. You do it too much to be of use to you any more. And the ability to follow these corrective signals they carry is fading out.

⁃ So a significant struggle along your path towards acting out your creativity is to set aside the content you have mentioned. You ought to reduce the amount of self-reflection in your writing. At least avoid letting it dominate.

In conclusion: my first 900000 words of writing has not been a sign of creativity. It has been nothing but a preparation for the step I face now.